I sometimes think I am my own worst nightmare, self-sabotaging before things even gets off the ground. Making a mess inside my own head then telling myself that it’s ok, I’m just protecting myself from potential harm. Over thinking even the most simplest of things because the very thought that I could actually deserve or be worthy of something seems too far-fetched for me, so I reply scenarios in my head coming up with all the variable options then slowly bit by bit I tear down each and every single one of those options. Discrediting them, discounting facts I do not know or yet understand all the way to making sure that I take apart all the scenarios I’ve played in my head. I sometimes in the dark of the night, looking up to the ceiling I genuinely believe that I am my own worst enemy, not the people around me plotting evil – trust me there are plenty people waiting and watching to see you fail – I seem to make a habit of tearing myself apart as if the world isn’t ful...
Yesterday my colleagues - friends and almost family - were trying to give me advice on love. As one of the youngest and few females I get the brunt of all of this craze talk. They talked babies, finding the ‘one’ and the difficulties that they as men go through in marriages. I have to admit I did judge them a lot, making assumptions and drawing my own conclusions based on the things they said whether in jest or in truth. They opened my eyes to my own prejudice - that I didn’t even know I had at the time. I built up images of who I thought they were and held on to those images like a soldier holds onto his shield when in battle. I felt a bit embarrassed I have to admit that I did the one thing I hate when other people do it – judge me based on the assumptions they have made with regards to me and mine. Amos told me how much he loves his wife, giving me anecdotes about how he protects her above everything, Hloni talking to me about his family with reverence and respect, ...
So firstly I guess I should apologize for the very long hiatus... Let me start at the very beginning; this past year was very hard for me. What made it even harder was finding out personally that the people who I thought would have my back were just not coming to the party - one of these days I’ll find the courage to tell that story. I started the first quarter of the year unemployed because I had resigned from my job so it was a bit of a dark period for me - that blog post coming up in a few weeks *she said hopefully* After a disastrous first three months I started a new job with new people, new challenges and just new everything. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride these past few months and I’ve loved every moment of it. I make no promises that this year will be better in terms of the writing but I do endeavor to at least post something *once in a while - maybe* that will make you laugh, smile or just make you see things in ...
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