Tsonga Princess

 There are days where I think the darkness will overwhelm me. Where I open my eyes and see nothing but blackness. My body is pushing me forward because it knows I can't stand still yet my brain questions the need to move forward. I'm overwhelmed by the need to embrace the darkness and the thoughts that come with it. I can hear the whispers trying to pull me out of the darkness but I resist because coming out of the dark means feeling again and I'm not sure that my heart can take feeling again. I don't know if my heart can hold the dam of tears at bay shoukd I rise up against the darkness. So I sit, watching the inky blackness around me, shutting the whispers out. For today, I don't have the strength to confront the pain so instead I sit in it and just embrace it.

My heart is over burdened by my unshed tears, the pain of holding on and the open wounds that remind me of my scars that have yet to heal. I feel like a swimmer in the ocean drowning, fighting against the current, with my arms and legs kicking wildly while I feel the force of the waves pulling me under. My heart says let go but my brain says keep holding on you can fight through this. But as I lift my eyes up to the sky, panic sets in and I can feel myself falling. I'm fighting hard with everything I have to try and hold onto to my sanity but my heart is tired and weary. It hurts from all the unanswered questions, it hurts from loving, supporting and praying for others while I felt alone and in pain. My pain surrounds me in darkness under a fountain of tears. I'm drowning in sadness. My heart is weary from trying. For a spilt second I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to let go, unburden myself for just a moment. Would I finally feel free, would I finally feel love...