My heart is heavy...

My heart is over burdened by my unshed tears, the pain of holding on and the open wounds that remind me of my scars that have yet to heal. I feel like a swimmer in the ocean drowning, fighting against the current, with my arms and legs kicking wildly while I feel the force of the waves pulling me under. My heart says let go but my brain says keep holding on you can fight through this. But as I lift my eyes up to the sky, panic sets in and I can feel myself falling.

I'm fighting hard with everything I have to try and hold onto to my sanity but my heart is tired and weary. It hurts from all the unanswered questions, it hurts from loving, supporting and praying for others while I felt alone and in pain. My pain surrounds me in darkness under a fountain of tears. I'm drowning in sadness.

My heart is weary from trying. For a spilt second I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to let go, unburden myself for just a moment. Would I finally feel free, would I finally feel loved, cared for - you'll never know until you let go a voice whispers desperately....I feel light, have I let too much water in? Am I floating with the current or is the water pulling me into the abyss? I'm not sure, but what I do know is that for a moment I feel free and I'm loving it.

Then suddenly I feel warm hands touch my face and I think to myself, this is what heaven must feel like, I smile a little. I hear the thunderous roar of my name and I try to open my heavy laden eyes to see whose calling out to me - but a voice keeps whispering sink a little deeper you'll find great peace at the bottom of the ocean.

My heart feels burdened again because I desire to feel at peace at the bottom of the ocean where my body will lay but I also desire to open my eyes to see where the voice roaring at me is coming from. The internal struggle within me is so great that I can feel the water ripple besides me as I fight against the current. The water is washing over me but my desire is to walk out of it.

Eventually the war inside subsides and I feel the ebb and flow of the water besides me. The voice inside my head has become louder now that the water is no longer suppressing it. This is what it says, living is hard, your heart will hurt with every new opportunity to love, your heart will heal with every door closed but living requires strength and courage to survive the storms of life and all the hail and wind that come with it. Yes it will rain, sometimes it will pour down with so much gusto it will feel like your very being will get carried over by the wind but the rain will eventually pass and with the passing of the rain the sun will shine again. Don't let the storms of this life rob you of the opportunity to see the sun in it's full glory. 


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