Fear on

I sometimes think I am my own worst nightmare, self-sabotaging before things even gets off the ground. Making a mess inside my own head then telling myself that it’s ok, I’m just protecting myself from potential harm. Over thinking even the most simplest of things because the very thought that I could actually deserve or be worthy of something seems too far-fetched for me, so I reply scenarios in my head coming up with all the  variable options then slowly bit by bit I tear down each and every single one of those options. 

Discrediting them, discounting facts I do not know or yet understand all the way to making sure that I take apart all the scenarios I’ve played in my head. I sometimes in the dark of the night, looking up to the ceiling I genuinely believe that I am my own worst enemy, not the people around me plotting evil – trust me there are plenty people waiting and watching to see you fail – I seem to make a habit of tearing myself apart as if the world isn’t full of people who are just waiting to sabotage you. 

This post isn’t to give you advice on how to deal with self-sabotage because if I’m honest I haven’t yet learn how to do that myself. However what I am learning is that it’s not a bad think to think things over so as to not make mistakes that you will regret later on in life. I am writing this to let you know – also to remind myself – that there is a difference between weighing the pros and cons of something and making excuses as to why you should not be doing certain things. Fear is paralyzing and if we feed it too much it becomes our crutch and we begin to rely a little too much on it. Hopefully a few posts from now I’ll come up with a solution to what is happening to me but right now I just want to vent.