Tsonga Princess

 There are days where I think the darkness will overwhelm me. Where I open my eyes and see nothing but blackness. My body is pushing me forward because it knows I can't stand still yet my brain questions the need to move forward. I'm overwhelmed by the need to embrace the darkness and the thoughts that come with it. I can hear the whispers trying to pull me out of the darkness but I resist because coming out of the dark means feeling again and I'm not sure that my heart can take feeling again. I don't know if my heart can hold the dam of tears at bay shoukd I rise up against the darkness. So I sit, watching the inky blackness around me, shutting the whispers out. For today, I don't have the strength to confront the pain so instead I sit in it and just embrace it.

My heart is over burdened by my unshed tears, the pain of holding on and the open wounds that remind me of my scars that have yet to heal. I feel like a swimmer in the ocean drowning, fighting against the current, with my arms and legs kicking wildly while I feel the force of the waves pulling me under. My heart says let go but my brain says keep holding on you can fight through this. But as I lift my eyes up to the sky, panic sets in and I can feel myself falling. I'm fighting hard with everything I have to try and hold onto to my sanity but my heart is tired and weary. It hurts from all the unanswered questions, it hurts from loving, supporting and praying for others while I felt alone and in pain. My pain surrounds me in darkness under a fountain of tears. I'm drowning in sadness. My heart is weary from trying. For a spilt second I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to let go, unburden myself for just a moment. Would I finally feel free, would I finally feel love

Today I realised something...It shook me to the core when I heard myself say it out loud - not  because it wasn’t true but because I had never said it out loud.                      I AM AMAZING!!! I smiled a little when I heard myself say it because for the longest time I had heard people tell me how amazing they thought I was, cousins trying to make me feel more than what I felt by showering me with praise. Then existing for years believing that I was not enough even though people kept shouting from the top of the metaphorical mountain, how amazing they thought I was. So Today Friday, 13th 2020 I finally admitted it to myself - I AM AMAZING. Me telling myself that doesn’t come from a place of ego or even boastfulness but there are times when you just have to look at yourself in the mirror and declare how amazing you really are. This realisation also made me reflect on the type of women I surround myself with because your circle should be your biggest motivator. Even a

So firstly I guess I should apologize for the very  long hiatus...  Let me start at the very beginning; this past year was very hard for me. What made it even harder was finding out personally that the people who I thought would have my back were just not coming to the party - one of these days I’ll find the courage to tell that story.   I started the first quarter of the year unemployed because I had resigned from my job so it was a bit of a dark period for me -  that blog post coming up in a few weeks *she said hopefully* After a disastrous first three months I started a new job with new people, new challenges and just new everything. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride these past few months and I’ve loved every moment of it.  I make no promises that this year will be better in terms of the writing but I do endeavor to at least post something *once in a while - maybe* that will make you laugh, smile or just make you see things in a different way after a borin

I sometimes think I am my own worst nightmare, self-sabotaging before things even gets off the ground. Making a mess inside my own head then telling myself that it’s ok, I’m just protecting myself from potential harm. Over thinking even the most simplest of things because the very thought that I could actually deserve or be worthy of something seems too far-fetched for me, so I reply scenarios in my head coming up with all the   variable options then slowly bit by bit I tear down each and every single one of those options.  Discrediting them, discounting facts I do not know or yet understand all the way to making sure that I take apart all the scenarios I’ve played in my head. I sometimes in the dark of the night, looking up to the ceiling I genuinely believe that I am my own worst enemy, not the people around me plotting evil – trust me there are plenty people waiting and watching to see you fail – I seem to make a habit of tearing myself apart as if the world isn’t full of peop

Yesterday my colleagues - friends and almost family - were trying to give me advice on love. As one of the youngest and few females I get the brunt of all of this craze talk. They talked babies, finding the ‘one’ and the difficulties that they as men go through in marriages. I have to admit I did judge them a lot, making assumptions and drawing my own conclusions based on the things they said whether in jest or in truth. They opened my eyes to my own prejudice - that I didn’t even know I had at the time. I built up images of who I thought they were and held on to those images like a soldier holds onto his shield when in battle.  I felt a bit embarrassed I have to admit that I did the one thing I hate when other people do it – judge me based on the assumptions they have made with regards to me and mine. Amos told me how much he loves his wife, giving me anecdotes about how he protects her above everything, Hloni talking to me about his family with reverence and respect, Tumi