Tsonga Princess

I hope you find the kind of joy that makes your soul dance. Be so happy that every fibre of your being celebrates. I pray every single dream of yours comes true. I pray that when you look back at this season you may see the goodness of God pushing you forward towards your destiny. I love you enough to want what's best for you. One day we'll look back at this season and be glad that we went through it together.

 There are days where I think the darkness will overwhelm me. Where I open my eyes and see nothing but blackness. My body is pushing me forward because it knows I can't stand still yet my brain questions the need to move forward. I'm overwhelmed by the need to embrace the darkness and the thoughts that come with it. I can hear the whispers trying to pull me out of the darkness but I resist because coming out of the dark means feeling again and I'm not sure that my heart can take feeling again. I don't know if my heart can hold the dam of tears at bay shoukd I rise up against the darkness. So I sit, watching the inky blackness around me, shutting the whispers out. For today, I don't have the strength to confront the pain so instead I sit in it and just embrace it.

My heart is over burdened by my unshed tears, the pain of holding on and the open wounds that remind me of my scars that have yet to heal. I feel like a swimmer in the ocean drowning, fighting against the current, with my arms and legs kicking wildly while I feel the force of the waves pulling me under. My heart says let go but my brain says keep holding on you can fight through this. But as I lift my eyes up to the sky, panic sets in and I can feel myself falling. I'm fighting hard with everything I have to try and hold onto to my sanity but my heart is tired and weary. It hurts from all the unanswered questions, it hurts from loving, supporting and praying for others while I felt alone and in pain. My pain surrounds me in darkness under a fountain of tears. I'm drowning in sadness. My heart is weary from trying. For a spilt second I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to let go, unburden myself for just a moment. Would I finally feel free, would I finally feel love...

Today I realised something...It shook me to the core when I heard myself say it out loud - not  because it wasn’t true but because I had never said it out loud.                      I AM AMAZING!!! I smiled a little when I heard myself say it because for the longest time I had heard people tell me how amazing they thought I was, cousins trying to make me feel more than what I felt by showering me with praise. Then existing for years believing that I was not enough even though people kept shouting from the top of the metaphorical mountain, how amazing they thought I was. So Today Friday, 13th 2020 I finally admitted it to myself - I AM AMAZING. Me telling myself that doesn’t come from a place of ego or even boastfulness but there are times when you just have to look at yourself in the mirror and declare how amazing you really are. This realisation also made me reflect on the type of women I surround myself with b...

So firstly I guess I should apologize for the very  long hiatus...  Let me start at the very beginning; this past year was very hard for me. What made it even harder was finding out personally that the people who I thought would have my back were just not coming to the party - one of these days I’ll find the courage to tell that story.   I started the first quarter of the year unemployed because I had resigned from my job so it was a bit of a dark period for me -  that blog post coming up in a few weeks *she said hopefully* After a disastrous first three months I started a new job with new people, new challenges and just new everything. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride these past few months and I’ve loved every moment of it.  I make no promises that this year will be better in terms of the writing but I do endeavor to at least post something *once in a while - maybe* that will make you laugh, smile or just make you see things in ...

I sometimes think I am my own worst nightmare, self-sabotaging before things even gets off the ground. Making a mess inside my own head then telling myself that it’s ok, I’m just protecting myself from potential harm. Over thinking even the most simplest of things because the very thought that I could actually deserve or be worthy of something seems too far-fetched for me, so I reply scenarios in my head coming up with all the   variable options then slowly bit by bit I tear down each and every single one of those options.  Discrediting them, discounting facts I do not know or yet understand all the way to making sure that I take apart all the scenarios I’ve played in my head. I sometimes in the dark of the night, looking up to the ceiling I genuinely believe that I am my own worst enemy, not the people around me plotting evil – trust me there are plenty people waiting and watching to see you fail – I seem to make a habit of tearing myself apart as if the world isn’t ful...

Yesterday my colleagues - friends and almost family - were trying to give me advice on love. As one of the youngest and few females I get the brunt of all of this craze talk. They talked babies, finding the ‘one’ and the difficulties that they as men go through in marriages. I have to admit I did judge them a lot, making assumptions and drawing my own conclusions based on the things they said whether in jest or in truth. They opened my eyes to my own prejudice - that I didn’t even know I had at the time. I built up images of who I thought they were and held on to those images like a soldier holds onto his shield when in battle.  I felt a bit embarrassed I have to admit that I did the one thing I hate when other people do it – judge me based on the assumptions they have made with regards to me and mine. Amos told me how much he loves his wife, giving me anecdotes about how he protects her above everything, Hloni talking to me about his family with reverence and respect, ...

When I stared this year my one goal was to be consistently intentional or be intentionally consistent , I take planning very seriously because at heart I am a BIG planner. I like to know where I am going, so I constantly make sure that I have a plan to follow and try by all means to stick to it to the end . What I do not like is having curve balls thrown my way and I mean a whammy of a curve ball – things like that really throw me off. I don’t like having my plans disrupted, I’m not a fan of change, I don’t like the unknown – I like, no as a matter in fact I love the constant . Fast forward to the first week of April 2019, I’m meeting amazing people, I’m focused on making sure that everything is going well and being low-key over achieving then bam!!!!! Have you ever been PUNCHED in the stomach, I mean really PUNCHED in the stomach. *It feels like your lungs are about to climb up your throat and out through your mouth. You’re heart is beating so fast you think it may lite...

Resigning from my job was one of the hardest but most fulfilling things I've ever done in my life. I spent hours trying to word the resignation letter correctly, making sure it was convincing not just to my soon to be former employees but also to myself because I knew that as soon as I hit send there was no turning back. Then almost an hour of screaming and my former boss patronizing me and telling me how I did not utilize my time at work right - with a straight face mind you - it was at that instant that she looked me in the eyes and could so convincingly lie to herself about my role in her company that's when my light bulb moment came on and I knew it was time for me to leave. I spent the first few days after my resignation on a relative high, laughing, joking, sleeping and eating well for the first time in months. I felt like the load over my shoulder had been lifted and I could feel that the old me was coming back. After months of looking at myself in the mirror and not r...

I am used to excelling; doing great at most of the things I try. I stay in my comfort zone until I have perfected whatever it is I needed to perfect before moving on to my next challenge, so I’m not used to failing at anything that I try because I have prepared myself to the utmost best. So when I do fail at something I’m hit with the reality that maybe I just don’t know the things I should know and therefore not prepared for the hard knocks that failure puts in my way. Let me give you some context: I had a telephonic job interview and for some reason the lady on the other side of the line was just not cutting me any slack. From the first moment I picked up the phone she was all no nonsense and straight to the point. About ten seconds into the interview I knew things were not going well after that it was just a rush of talk, her trying to explain to me as calmly as she could how unprepared I was then a few seconds after that I heard the distinct slamming of the phone in my ear....

Family – the craze people we are biologically and sometimes not biologically related too. We laugh with them, we cry with them, sometimes we stop talking to them not because we don’t love them but because we just need to get some space from them. They meddle in our live, give us unwanted advice and sometimes tell stories that we wish they could have kept to themselves but most importantly we love them. This week I went to see my aunt and uncle, just to hang - in my defence it was a great idea when I started with it. I got there in a jolly mood because I had not seen them in a long time - now my family is one of those families that if we don’t see each other for a little over two weeks we think that is a long time. So there we were sitting laughing, joking, telling stories, giving advice (wanted and unwanted) but all in all it was good time. Two hours into my visit my elder aunt walks in with my cousins and that’s when things went a little craze. We started talking about politic...

The scariest thing about the New Year is that we put so much pressures on ourselves to reach what I sometimes think are unattainable, maybe a little unrealistic goals. A New Year comes around, you take stock of the previous resolutions and you beat yourself up because you open the piece of paper that you had written your previous resolutions on and realize  that you either forgot about them or you had made ridiculous timelines that even you could not reach - even if you had more time in the year. Side note: I am not a big fan of resolutions mainly because I have written them down only to not keep up with them * face palm * so that is why this new beginnings is really important for me. Last year I turned 26 and had so much drive and passion for what I thought would be a relatively good year and for most part it was. However at some point during the year I started to lose focus on the bigger picture when things made a turn for the worse and I mean for the worse. I wen...

So today I thought instead of being deep, reflective or complaining I should right a young post about showing gratitude. Sometime we walk around so deep in our thoughts and we forget to be grateful for the small blessings that we receive. So my challenge to myself this week is to live outside myself long enough to be grateful for everything that comes my way. Not everything that comes my way do I need to handle somethings I can do without. That's it be thankful. Short and sweet...

Recently I’ve been struggling with a colleague of mine who constantly belittles me, nothing I ever do is great enough for his royal highness, he argues with me at any given chance over the smallest of mole hills (at least that’s how I feel). I feel discouraged and constantly question whether or not I’m cut out the cut throat world of television where I either kill or be killed in order to survive. I question whether or not I’m good enough and if I would not be better off doing something else. At this point in my life I feel like this is a bad space to be in because my first thought when I get to work is when can I get over this so that I can go home, I’m constantly time watching willing it to be 2pm so that I can see how much I can do before its appropriate for me to leave without looking suspicious. Now don’t get me wrong I love television, there’s no aspect of it I don’t love, from conceptualizing, to creating right down to the finished product that the nation watch’s on their...

What is my worth... is it in the way I do my hair - braided, cornrows, weaves or simply cut short? Is it the way I speak, how loud my voice is, how opinionated I am or how much back chatter I give to you at any given moment? Is it in the way I dress - skirt too long, jeans too tight, thong showing as I bend down? Is it in the walk I walk - too fast for you to catch up with me or too slow I'm constantly running behind you? Is it in my thinking - too independent for a man to love yet too traditional to blend in with the times? Who gets to decide my worth anyways - the people who work with me and think they know me because I crack a few jokes with the? The people I live with who are constantly underfoot with me and think they know best because they are family and nothing they do will hurt me (intentionally) Maybe my friends get to determine my worth because we spend countless hours pretending to be honest with each other while knowing very well that we keep our deepest fears...

This is the kind of wife I want to be - one day in life....now before we go too far I want you to understand one thing, I'm not the biggest fan of marriage or at least I don't think I am, However my cousin who is soon going to be walking down the aisle promising his wife to be that only the ultimate separation - DEATH - will take him away from her. He said something to me that stuck with me about his future bride...here goes 'She stood by me when I was still deciding who I am. She spoke words of encouragement when I felt like the biggest failure. She pushed me to keep going even when I thought I was just standing still. She was in my corner for every battle I faced whether or not she agreed with my battle. But most importantly she loved me * then he did a dramatic pause * She. Loved. Me. ' I laughed a little when I heard him recite this to me because I kept thinking * this brother must have lost his whole mind *. I mean come on, his known this girl for such a l...

Doing the right thing is not always the nicest of things to do, because you never know what the person who your doing this 'right thing' for will see your gesture. Will they think your doing it to stand out, to be noticed or to get glory for always being 'right'. will they hate you, admire you or just plain take it the wrong way. Today I learnt a very big lesson when it comes to doing the right thing...no matter what you do when your back is against the wall and you have to choose between doing right or doing wrong, when you choose to do right even if it means standing alone in a crowd full of people some people will not like it. They will hate you not necessarily because you did right but because you stood for what you believed at the time to be right in that particular situation. It's not nice being alone or feeling alone because you did what was not popular in the sights of those around you. Today I personally know what it feels like to walk this empty road a...

I love you, I really do. I'll give you all I have with an earnest heart. I'll be with you through thick and thin. When the storms rage I'll be right there with you - breathing the same air - holding your hand as we weather the storm together. During the good times I'll be there too holding your hand as well smile through the small and big blessings that come our way. I want, no I need you to know that I love you. There'll be days when I'm mad at you and I'll say things I don't mean. I need you to understand me enough to know I don't mean all those this it's just in the heat of the moment people say and do things they later grow to regret. In those moments I need you to forgive me, because I love you. There'll be days when I'm moody and don't want to talk to anyone - sometimes that no talk list might include you but I need you to know that doesn't mean I love you less it just means I'm gong through a selfish stage and I need y...

Today of all days I ran into an old varsity friend. We started talking politely about how we were and how things were going in our respective lives - you know polite conversations to wile away the time. Then he asked where was I working because he is catching the train to Braam for a meeting and I said great because that means we will be on the same train to work. Once I realised that we had enough time we started to talk about important issues,  not all of them because the train ride was only 15 minutes. He went on to explain how he had started his own business and was also part of helping young entrepreneurs make it big. He then went on to tell me that he had never worked for anyone before he just took the plunge to go into business - he wasn't built to work for others. I'm always happy when I see past varsity mates 1. Because varsity was the best three years of my life and 2. It's always great to see the people you admired or looked up to do great things in their ...